Roommates

A co-worker/friend of mine owns her own home and has had a roommate renting a room for the past three and a half years. As most roommate experiences go, however, things are no longer working out. We’ve been hearing the amusing details for quite some time now and at lunch today, my friend announced that she is kicking the roommate out. Finally! So the super fun group with whom I had half-priced burgers for lunch spent the hour sharing funny roommate stories. I am sharing some of the best with you, my faithful readers:

• One guy moved in without notifying his roommates that he had two huge iguanas. Not a big deal? Yeah, except the roommate discovered this when she opened her door in the morning to find one of them in the hallway. Yup, Huge Iguana One and Huge Iguana Two were litter box trained and roamed the house. Creepy!

• One home-owner’s roommate refused to admit that there was a problem with his toilet and, apparently unable to fix it any other way, scratched up the porcelain in the bowl with a coat hanger.

• Another home-owner found that he was always low on spoons. He dismissed these thoughts, figuring his roommate was a slob and not bringing things back to the kitchen from her room. She then moved out, at which point he counted his spoons. His set of 24 was down to 6. He still doesn’t know what she did with all the spoons.

• One person had a vegetarian roommate who just assumed that various vegetarian foods including peanut butter, hummus, and tofu must belong to him and ate them, even if he hadn’t been grocery shopping in weeks and so clearly had not purchased these items. And it’s not like carnivores eat the occasional PB&J or anything.

• A crazy roommate who liked to passive aggressively test her roommates considerate-ness left leftover sushi on the kitchen counter for three days waiting to see if they would throw it away. Gross.

• A drama queen roommate had crazy screaming fights with her boyfriend ("All my friends are married and having babies. I don’t see any babies, Max! Do you see any babies?!?!”) in common living space, leaving her roomie no escape route. Helpful hint: when yelling at your boyfriend, be courteous and time it so your roommate/landlord is not at home.

Some of these stories are my own. I have countless more horror stories and just as many positive tales of late night gossip and eating cool whip straight from the tub. I am, however, happy to have been living alone for over a year and just as happy that the next roommate I have will be H2B